Summer nights: rant #1.

I forced myself into my little cave I call my room today for seven straight hours. A friend of mine asked to hang out with her and a couple of others, but it just felt like one of those days where my only comfort would be my pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals. (Wow, I sound pathetic.)

Maybe it was the rain today. I don’t know about other people, but rain always makes me want to stay home and listen to sad music and eat chocolate. (Okay, now I sound even more pathetic.)

The sister is not home anymore due to her mission trip to Thailand, so I have the room all to myself now. It will be like this for three weeks. Although I love my sister very much, I enjoy having this space alone. It reminds me of when she was gone for her freshman year and I had the entire room to myself for almost a year or so. Sometimes, people can distract me from my thoughts. I like to have a place where I can speak with myself and clear out all the clutter that exists in my little attic.

I want to go back to my old ways when I did not cling on to hopeless hopes and petty things. I want to go back to when it was just me, myself, and I. And Jesus.

I’m listening to 브로콜리 너마저’s song called 그 모든 진짜 같던 거짓말. Yeah, things can really seem true at first. Things can seem perfect and fitting, but that’s all a momentary fragment of life. Something that isn’t reality. But I should and must go back to the old me.

I agreed to a boot camp workout session with my dear old roommate. We are to exercise for two hours a day this entire week and if we fail to uphold to this, we are not allowed to eat at all the next day. I think that punishment will actually scare me enough to follow through with it till the end of the week.

I’m finally going to watch The Avengers tomorrow. But I haven’t watched Thor yet! Boo.

I need to start eating healthy again. And I will! Especially with all that healthy food I bought today with Appa. Sigh.

So there’s this new ramyun called 기스면. It has been everywhere. I saw it today in the grocery mart, I saw it in the drama I’ve been watching, and I saw it.. in my own kitchen. It sounds very tempting to try it tonight, at this hour, at midnight. I hear that it is the new thing now. My dad says it’s delicious. …Sigh.

Okay, so concludes my worthless rant of the summer. More to come.

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Corny stuff

Cheesy stuff, stuff that makes you cringe, things they say that make you crinkle your nose, that make you giggle a little

 

I kind of like that kind of stuff.

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reciprocity

A relationship can’t sustain only with one side putting effort. Pull through or give up. I guess.

 

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Happy birthday, little brother

Jeremiah,

I can’t believe you’re already eleven years old. It feels like only months ago you were a little infant that I cuddled with on the sofa, the same baby that I couldn’t notice at times and even once sat upon (gently, don’t worry). You were so small back then.. now look at you! It’s crazy really how you’ve grown so much. You know, I don’t think you’ll ever know how much you’ve changed me. You really won’t ever know. You’ve taught me patience, love, perserverance, to be young at heart even through troubled times, to laugh even when adversity had me hooked upon its nook, to be blunt and truthful at times as well. I feel like you’ll also never know how much I love and care about you. I’m the type to keep myself locked up, to keep everything inside of me, never really truly exposing my feelings. I love you, I really do. I’m not forcing myself to say these words.. I have true meaning when I say it. I love you even when you have your little temper tantrums, even when you eat so much it stresses me out about how healthy you need to be, even when you say I’m uglier than Nicole, even when you say Nicole is better and nicer than me (okay, I admit, she is.. at times), even when you eat all the sweets in the cabinet, even when you steal the computer to play games, even when you whine about how hard your homework is, even when you cringe and mope about when I scold you over the littlest things, even when you get upset that I can’t even understand what your homework directions mean. I love you from head to toe and I just hope that you would come to understand this pure fact even though I don’t show you affectionate actions. Remember when I used to say “I love you!” every night before you were tucked into bed? I miss those times.. I’m sorry that I never really kept in touch with you while I was at school. It hurts me when you mark in your little mental calendar of your’s the exact date of when I’ll be coming back from school for break. It breaks my heart every time.

Life is going by pretty fast, isn’t it? You’ve gone through so much, emotionally and mentally. I can’t imagine what kind of emotional rollercoaster ride you’ve gone on. I just only wish it would level off for a bit as of now. I want you to live a normal adolescent life. You’ve grown up in a household full of crazy, sad, depressing occurrences and events. I truly miss the old days where we lived all under the same roof in our pretty, tiny townhouse of our’s. Do you remember how our deck door latch would always be broken because you would constantly play with it, slam it, and what not? I still remember our strawberry patch that we grew with Mom. Haha, we never even got to actually eat those small red things; by the time we went out to pick them, the squirrels would’ve already chewed them up. Do you remember our dogwood tree, the steep hill beside our house that we used as our own sledding slope, the roses in our front yard? I miss all these things so much. I have to admit that I’ve visited our house a couple of months ago. Now, I wasn’t beeing creepy or anything, but I parked in the guest parking lot straight across from our old front door. The screen door was open so I could see inside. There was another family living there and they looked happy, jubilant, satisfied. I wonder if we looked that way before, too. I don’t know why, Jerry, but I cried a bit when I saw our old house. I guess it overwhelmed me once again just how important that house was to me. To all of us.

…But the past is the past. The future is bright and God has us in His hands. I will be watching over you and stepping the same steps alongside you. Don’t you ever feel like you’re alone because you are never alone. If I am not there, He is there for you. I know that you do not know of His love yet, nor do you fully understand it. But I am praying for that one day when you will come to that realization. Don’t you dare feel like you are so different from everybody else. You are special in you’re own kind of way; to anyone that is belittling you: they’re just jealous of you. They’re jealous that they can’t laugh genuinely like you, that they can’t play the piano as well as you, that they’re not as jal saeng gyussuh as you. So who cares if you’re different? You’re amazing in your own way. So don’t you ever change. (Sorry, that sounded really cliché and all. But I mean it.)

From a clumsy, stupid sister that lacks in everything in everyway but loves you nevertheless,

Mishy.

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Knowing when to hold back: note to self.

That point when you want to move further, farther.

That point where you see yourself wanting more.

That point in which you find yourself only thinking about ….

That point where you set aside too much of your time for ….

 

Yeah, that’s when you have to stop and leave it up to God. If it is really meant to be, if He really sees that this is necessary and essential to your life, all the pieces will fall into place. Trust in Him and pray. Don’t pray with only that in mind, Michelle; that defeats the purpose of being a humble servant to the Lord. Pray with all your heart and soul; let not your emotions overtake your relationship with Christ.

And if nothing happens.. if nothing works out…….. then that itself is fate.

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God and Immaturity

It’s been kind of hard trying to make the time to write a blog post these days. I was going to take my usual morning nap between my 8am and 11:15 class but I think I’m going to start sleeping earlier and skipping those naps. Besides, they make me groggy and nauseous.

I was talking to one of my close friends the other day. I had asked her a question, simple in itself, yet difficult to speak out a true and honest answer: “Have you grown in Christ?” She just kind of looked at me with a blank stare. I asked her again, with a more nonchalant tone, even though I was really intent on how she was going to answer this query. She responded, after some thought: “No.” She told me that honestly, she didn’t feel anything from God after coming to college. She seemed very indifferent.

I looked at her with a sort of pathetic look. She then continued to talk about her newest interest.

Back at my dorm room, I pondered about my friend’s answer. I pondered about her life and why she might have given me that response. I saw how swept away she was with the social factor of the college life. Barely getting enough sleep, she slips away in class, barely grasping the information and lessons she needs to still be a full-time student. Lost in her own world of boys, lust/love/whatever it is. Her eyes have been clouded by the world, fogging up the windshield of her life, her future. The greater picture, God, is but a faint and barely visible signpost on the crooked road of her life.

And yet who am I to say these things? I am, in my own way, immature, having deficiencies and lacking a pure and honest faith. I have gone through an amusement park of a life, with all sorts of cotton candy of temporary gratifications and ups and downs of emotions. I’ve seen things that shouldn’t be seen. I’ve heard things that shouldn’t be heard. These things corporately slashed at the heart Christ gave to me. I was embarrassed to show him the same heart, once pure and clean, now beaten and scarred. That was what set me apart from Him for so long.

To think that I have grown from my experiences is right. But to think that I have grown to my utmost maturity isn’t. The path before me is stretched out, with miles and miles to go. But I am not alone and I have to remind myself of this. He is there, and all I have to do is grab His hand tightly and walk with steady strides.

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Wasteful.

I do not study as much as I should, and I do not devote enough time so that I may fully learn the academic material that I am taught in my classes. However, I do feel like I need to say this.

I see a good number of my friends fooling around too much, too often. I don’t know if they have forgotten the fact that their parents have paid a couple thousands of dollars to bring them to college. I don’t know if they have forgotten the fact that their future in this world, the impact that they could make in this society is dependent upon the education that they receive and build up on. I don’t know if they have forgotten the fact that they are not high schoolers anymore. They are adults.

I see them “trying” to study but ultimately failing. They know that they can’t concentrate in a given area where there are friends there that just fool around but yet they still continue to waste time “studying” there. They skip classes without a care in the world and play play play. I just don’t get it.

I hope that they may open their eyes a little wider and see the bigger picture of life. Of course there are moments of freedom and carefree moments, jokes and laughter, but you can’t make out a future with just those components.

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The best compliment

I decided not to purchase a yearbook for my last year in high school, just because I had thought it to be pointless to pay close to $80 for a compilation of pictures of faces I barely recognized and hardly cared about. The only select few that I truly care about: I already have their pictures and the memories that I have shared with them can be replayed over and over in my head. I didn’t need a book to remind me of who they are.

Anyways, there was about a week left before graduation, and everyone had their own yearbooks to sign. I thought I could join in on the whole signing bandwagon by using an old notebook of mine for people to leave little messages and comments inside. I promised myself that I wouldn’t open it until after the graduation ceremony.

A couple weeks passed by after graduation, and I had forgotten all about the spiral notebook. I came across it after cleaning out my bookshelf and immediately opened it. It felt good to read the heartfelt messages of people I would no longer see as often as before. I came across one note though that really stuck out to me and made me feel all warm inside.

A friend of mine, who I had not really grown exactly close to but had a fairly good relationship with, wrote that he was so grateful to have met someone so genuine like me. The word genuine just really made me feel good about myself. In a world full of corruption, fakes, and superficiality, to be called someone who is real and sincere feels better than almost anything else.

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Running

People may think that I am active and fit but in actuality, I am not that healthy and in shape. Although I am a little bit more active than some others, I hate running and any kind of strenuous exercise. However, I am taking a health and fitness class that requires me to take part in the cardio and strength section. I had only signed up thinking that I would choose which section I wanted, which was yoga. Apparently, that section fills up the quickest so I was left in the other section. Funny thing is, this class has changed my outlook on running. After a 12-minute run/walk/jog session, I was suddenly motivated to run more. I ran close to four miles last week and I felt really good about it. (Don’t laugh. It might seem mediocre to you, but that is a lot, especially coming from a person like me.) I don’t know how long this “high” will last, but for now, I am glad that I am doing something healthy for my body.

Running not only makes me feel like I’m getting in shape, but it also boosts my stamina and surprises me as to how long I can actually last, running at 8 miles per hour on a treadmill. I hope I don’t trip though. My cursed and clumsy feet always gets me to an embarrassing situation.

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Me.

I am a coward, a liar, a betrayer, a horrible person.

I hate myself for all these reasons and more.

If I could say sorry a million times, I would. Why I don’t say it?
Because I have too much pride.

Lord help me to get over myself and my pride. Help me to be more assertive. Help me to be a better person.
Just forgive me for this one mistake out of the billions I have. I want to assure you that this will be my last.

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